In Need Of A Dictionary
by Admiral T. DeVanto
Summary: Connie learns a new word. Unfortunately, he doesn't understand the exact definition when he uses it. Somehow, Erwin, Levi, and Hanji suffer from Connie's obliviousness.


Connie leaned back in his seat with a scowl on his face. His legs were sore, and he was pretty sure his hands were blistered from all the scraps of wood he had to pick up. He and a handful of other Scouts had spent the whole day doing chores for using their ODM gear for less than 'professional' purposes. In all honesty, he was annoyed that this event had even happened to them in the first place.

"Man, I'm beat," Sasha moaned. She collapsed in the chair right across from Connie, her expression one of weariness.

Eren groaned as he slowly sat down, wincing as if the very movement was painful. "Yeah. I mean, Levi put us through a crazy amount of work." He paused, his eyes narrowing. "I think he was enjoying it."

"Not as much as Hanji was," Mikasa commented. Even she seemed worn out.

"I hate that they had to punish us like this!" Jean complained. "I mean, I didn't even do anything wrong! I'm innocent!" He pointed an accusing finger. "It was your fault Connie that we were put in this position! Your little stunt got us all in trouble!"

Connie just shrugged. "Hey, it was all of your guys fault for going along with it. I mean, I was expecting Eren to join and once he was involved, Jean had to get involved as well because they're both too dense to realize that it was a bad idea to begin with." Connie completely ignored their indignant sputterings.

Sasha frowned. "What does that make me?"

"You? You're loyal," Connie said with a smirk. He frowned. "Although, I still don't know why you," here, he pointed at Mikasa. "Got involved."

Mikasa stared at him. "Where Eren goes, I go."

Connie blinked. "Right. I shoulda figured." He shrugged once more. "To be honest, we should…" he hesitated as he struggled for the right word. What was that word that described expressing disapproval about something? It started with the letter 'p'. It wasn't...was it procrastinate? Nah, that's the wrong word he was looking for. Maybe it was...prostitute? Was that the word that meant to express outward disapproval?

"Prostitute?" he started, testing the word out. Yeah, that sounds about right. "Prostitute!" he exclaimed suddenly, causing everyone to stare at him in shock. "We should prostitute against this!"

Stunned silence reigned in the room as everyone was left to wonder what the heck Connie was talking about. Surely he didn't mean what they thought he had just said?

Jean choked. "Say what?"

Connie nodded. "Yeah, I mean, I heard that Captain Levi does it all the time. And the commander too!"

Eren turned an unhealthy shade of red. Good Lord. Was this really happening?

"The captain is really dedicated about it too," Connie continued. "He got the commander involved in it. Besides," Connie stated. "Stories were told of Hanji prostituting back in the days when she didn't agree with something. They said you could hear her for miles!"

Now even Mikasa looked disturbed.

"I...I didn't know that the captain…" Eren stuttered, shaking his head. Now all of the color was drained from his face. "They really did that...willingly?"

Connie nodded. "Oh yeah. They all did. When they didn't agree with something, than they would prostitute! They would also prostitute if they needed funds for the Scouts."

Eren sputtered. "For funds? For the expedition?" His horror grew. "They would do that to go on expeditions?"

Connie nodded proudly. "Oh yeah. Come to think of it, I think it's a noble cause." Hands on his hips, Connie stood up. "We should all do that!"

"Are you insane!?" Eren demanded, outraged. He leaped from his chair, hands curled into fists. "That is the most immoral thing I have ever heard!"

"Count me out!" Jean shouted. "There is no way I am ever doing something like that!"

Connie shrugged, indifferent to the outbursts from his companions. "Fine, than Sasha and I will do it together, won't we?"

But Sasha was blushing red. Her facial expressions took on many different emotions. Anger and horror were on of them. "This is where my loyalty ends!"

Connie frowned, confused as to why everyone was having such a negative reaction to his idea. "Than I'll do it!" Connie declared.

"Do it on your own," Eren growled as he fled from the room. His entire being had recoiled at the thought of ever doing what Connie had just suggested. How was prostituting supposed to get anyone to change their minds on anything?

Eren shuddered as he tried to rid himself of the horrid images he was seeing of his squad leader doing...doing that! Did they really do that because they didn't agree with something? Wasn't that stupid to sell your body in that way?

So lost in his thoughts, he ran into smack into Armin. Armin stepped back, eyeing Eren with sudden concern when he took in Eren's red face. "You okay?" the blonde asked.

Eren let out a shuddering breath. "Armin," he started. He paused, wondering how he should explain this to his friend. Did he even really want to? Such a thing caused him to blush from embarrassment, and Eren scuffed his foot. "Well, I uh…"

"Levi's a prostitute," Mikasa stated blandly.

"Mikasa!" Eren shouted, his face growing redder.

"What?!" Armin exploded.

"As are the other Squad Leaders," Mikasa stated.

Armin's mouth opened and closed like a fish. He looked to Eren for clarification, but Eren's embarrassment was answer enough. "H-how did you guys find this out?"

Eren let out a shuddering breath, placing a cold hand on his heated cheek. "We just heard some really disturbing news from Connie."

* * *

The news spread like wildfire. Everyone was gossiping about what they had heard. There were many things people had to say about the Scouts.

"E-Erwin Smith is a...a what?" Nile Dok exclaimed. His wife looked equally as horrified as well to hear what had become of the Scout. Is _that_ what he did in his spare time?

Nile snorted. "I didn't think he was _that_ lonely!"

* * *

Kenny Ackerman scoffed as he overheard the MPs whispering about the latest gossip concerning his nephew. "Hasn't that brat learned anything from his mother's past experience?"

* * *

Moblit's face turned an unhealthy shade of purple as he gaped. "Section Commander?" he muttered in horror. The Scout who had delivered the news to Moblit could only nod. "Apparently," the Scout said. "She was quite famous."

Moblit choked.

In that moment, Hanji walked in and noticed her assistant's discolored face. "Hey, Moblit, you alright?" She reached out to place a hand on his shoulder, only for him to leap back.

"D-DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T COME NEAR ME!"

"What? What did I do?"

"J-just talk to me right where you're standing!"

"From way across the other side of the room?!"

"YEP!"

* * *

Petra grew pale. "Captain's been doing what? For the expeditions?"

Eld snorted. "I always thought his ways were a bit unorthodox." This earned Eld a whack upside the head from Gunther. Oulu seemed like he wanted to add in his own opinion, but in his shock, he bit his own tongue.

Ironically, the very topics of the new gossip were the last ones to hear about the rumors.

* * *

With the documents in hand, Erwin Smith opened his door and was prepared to head out, when he nearly ran into the woman waiting outside. Stumbling to a halt, Erwin apologized. "I am sorry about that ma'am," he said. "I didn't see you there." Anything else Erwin would have said was cut off when the woman placed her hands on his shoulders.

"Oh, that's fine," she said. "You seem like a polite one."

Erwin stumbled back, the documents falling from his hands. Resisting the urge to curse as his labeled papers fluttered across the floor, he gripped the woman's hands and pried them from his shoulders. "Can I help you with anything?" he stepped back, but that only seemed to encourage the lady to step closer.

"Yes," she said. "I am here for you."

Feeling an uncomfortable twinge inside of him, Erwin glanced over the woman's shoulder. To his immense relief, he saw another woman standing outside. "It looks like we will have to hurry up with this so I can tend to her." He backed up once more, folding his arms in front of his chest. His expression was neutral as he frowned at her. "What can I do for you?"

"I heard you were the best, and I was here to offer up my services to the cause." Here, she smirked at him suggestively. "I'm here to help with the expeditions."

Erwin raised an eyebrow. "And how is that possible?" He didn't see how this woman could dedicate herself to the cause of the Scouts so late.

The woman shrugged. "I already have the payment right here. I figured I'd pay up front." With that, she dropped the bag of money on the desk.

Erwin frowned as he eyed the bag of money. The very _heavy_ bag of money. "Why would you do this-?" He cut off abruptly when the woman started lowering the sleeves of her dress. "Hey!" he exclaimed hastily. "What are you doing?"

The woman stared at him. "Getting my money's worth." She grinned at him. "I'm contributing to the Survey Corps."

This time, Erwin was truly caught off guard. "We don't accept money this way!"

"How about less talking, more working?" she asked, advancing towards him.

Erwin did the one thing he never thought he would have to do: he shoved the handsy woman away and fled his office. However, his office proved to be the safest place to be as there were a handful of women waiting outside for him.

* * *

Levi Ackerman tapped his pencil on the desk, bored with the documents he had to go over. Leaning back in his seat, he focused his gaze on the ceiling. Somehow, the plaster on the ceiling was more interesting than the work he was supposed to be doing.

A swift knock on the door drew him out of his thoughts, and he frowned in confusion. He glanced at the door, not really in the mood for visitors. Maybe if he ignored them, they would go away.

But the second knock came just as swiftly, and Levi's frown deepened. Apparently, this person lacked patience.

With a groan, Levi got up from his chair and strode towards the door. Opening it, he stared blankly at the woman who was waiting for him. His frown deepened as he eyed the woman up and down. She was strangely dressed with her pale shoulders exposed. The bodice was extremely low cut with the skirt of the dress flaring out slightly. One hand was propped on her hip, and she eyed him with delight.

"Hello Levi," she said. Her voice was low and sultery, and her lashes fluttered as she stared at him.

Levi raised an eyebrow. "Hey," he said. Leaning against the doorframe, he eyed her. "You here to offer up your services?"

The woman laughed. "Wow, you're a fast one." She winked. "I like that."

Levi sighed tiredly. "Oh well. Come on in and I'll deal with you." Great. More Titan fodder. Though he wasn't sure how much this woman could offer to the Scouts, surely she wouldn't be here without a purpose.

The woman strode into the room, placing a hand on his shoulder. "So, we're doing it in here?" she purred.

Levi shrugged off her hand. If this woman was this touchy, maybe he should assign her to Hanji's squad. With another sigh, he pulled out his chair. "Yeah. Where else would we deal with this? Normally the commander is the expert in this sort of thing and can move a lot faster…" he trailed off at the woman's wide smile. Were her eyes gleaming? Why was she looking at him like _that?_ He shrugged off the sudden and uncomfortable feeling that was forming in the pit of his stomach.

"Good," she purred. "Maybe I can mention him to a friend of mine."

"You could bring your friend here," Levi said simply. He leaned back in his seat and crossed his legs. "I can multitask."

The woman laughed. "I'm sure you can."

To Levi's complete and utter surprise, the woman began to lower her sleeves down even further. He stared at her, his eyes slightly wide. "What are you doing?" he demanded. He began to rise from his seat, only for the woman to shove him back down.

"Offering my services," she said, her face inches from his. "What else?"

"This isn't how I offered my services," Levi protested. He pushed her back and hastily stood up. "What kind of a man do you think I am?"

"A fun one," she said, her hands landing on his shoulders. "By the way, I didn't introduce myself. My stage name is Scarlet."

Levi's eyes widened considerably. Stage name. He had heard of many women being referred to by their stage names manly because of where he had grown up. His mother once had a stage name as well.

Levi felt like he was going to choke as he stumbled away from the woman while still trying to retain some of his dignity. No, he was not retreating from a woman.

"Alright," he growled, positioning himself behind the desk so that the piece of furniture was between him and Scarlet. "I don't want to deal with whatever it is you've got to offer."

Scarlet merely sat on the desk, folding her legs. Her skirts fell back to expose the pale, lean skin beneath the fabric. "Don't be so shy. It's well known who you are and what you do in your," here, she wiggled her eyebrows. "Spare time."

Levi's eyes widened. Spare time?! He barely had any 'spare time' with managing all the brats in the Scouts...and Hanji!

"So," Scarlet continued. Her sleeves continued to fall back considerably. "How would you like to get started?" With that, she withdrew a pair of handcuffs. "I know how you like to be in control. But so do I."

It was than that instinct took over and Levi ran for the window before jumping out. Glass shattered everywhere and cut at his cheek, but he could care less at the mild cut. Tumbling to the ground with a grunt, Levi sprang to his feet and ran backwards. So engrossed in escaping, he did not pay attention to where he was going until he ran right into a frantic Erwin Smith.

"Levi!" Erwin exclaimed. "What the-?" He stopped when he noticed Scarlet looking out the window with a smile, her handcuffs still in hand. Erwin frowned. "You too?"

Levi stared. "What's that supposed to mean?" His eyes than widened when he noticed another woman, dressed in the same style as Scarlet, advancing towards them. Her gaze was focused on Erwin Smith soley. Levi's mouth opened slightly. "Oh."

Had everyone gone mad all of the sudden? But the one thing that ticked Levi off was that Erwin seemed to have more crazy female followers than he did.

* * *

Hanji glanced up once more at the two men huddled in the dark corner of her lab. Levi was sitting in a chair with a cup of tea clutched loosely in his hands while Erwin was leaning up against the wall. Both men appeared frazzled, and their eyes kept shifting to the doors. She thought she could here Levi muttering, "Never thought Hanji's lab would be a safe place."

Hanji shrugged. Well, whatever had them so upset about didn't worry her as much. But she couldn't deny that she was curious.

"So," she drawled. "What's got you guys visiting me so suddenly?"

Levi glared at her. "Nothing," he muttered, sipping his tea.

Hanji adjusted her glasses. "Okay," she said slowly. She noticed how Erwin was avoiding her gaze, his shoulders rather stiff. "Commander?" she prompted.

Erwin sighed. "We've had some...visitors."

Levi snorted at that.

"And we both decided that it would be best to seek a moment of reprieve in the one place they would not find us," Erwin finished.

Hanji raised an eyebrow. "So you're hiding," she stated. She would have said more, but the sound of someone knocking on the door drew her attention. It did not go unnoticed by Hanji how both men stiffened up immediately. Did Erwin shrink back into the shadows? With a confused frown, Hanji strode towards the door and opened it. She perked up when she saw Moblit standing there, carrying multiple sacks in his arms. Connie was beside him, also carrying multiple sacks as well.

Hanji frowned. "What're in the bags?"

"Money," Moblit grunted as he staggered in. "I couldn't find Commander Erwin, so I thought I would bring them-Oh, there he is." He smiled. "Sir, I think the next expedition is all but covered for." He then frowned. "But there's a bunch of angry women demanding that you fulfill your end of the deal." His gaze flickered over. "Oh, and that goes for you too, captain."

Levi scowled. "I ain't fulfilling any deal!"

"B-but they say that you owe them and that they demand your services!" Moblit exclaimed. He held up a sack of money. "Look at what we've been given! Isn't this what you guys are known for?"

"I owe nobody anything!" Levi shouted back.

"And I don't know what I am known for," Erwin commented. "But I am not going to pay those women back! From what I was able to gather based on their behavior, they want something that I am not too inclined to give out to any stranger."

Levi snorted. "At least your ladies didn't come at you with handcuffs."

"No," Erwin admitted. "But I had more than one woman to deal with."

Meanwhile, Connie eyed the sack of money thoughtfully. "You know," he started. "If I had known that prostituting was going to be this easy, I'd have done it a long time ago."

Silence reigned in the room, only to be broken by several startled outbursts. Hanji's confused "Huh?" was drowned out by Erwin's "What?" Levi said nothing, but merely choked.

"Yeah," Connie stated. "I mean, you guys are known for prostituting yourselves. It's how you express distaste for something that you are against."

"Expressing your...what?" Hanji started.

"That's protesting you idiot!" Levi all but shrieked. "Protesting! Not prostituting!"

Connie blinked. "Protesting?" he repeated.

"Prostituting," Erwin commented, his voice shaking with barely controlled exasperation. "Is when we offer ourselves up in sexual activity for money!"

Hanji frowned. "Wait, are you telling me that someone's been going around saying that you guys have been doing that stuff for money?" Her confused frown turned into a grin. "And you guys didn't know about this until now?" She cackled. "Oh man, the rumors going around have got to be out of this world!"

"And you too, Section Commander," Moblit said quietly. "You are involved in the rumors. You've been prostituting yourself since before you became a Scout."

Levi and Erwin both turned their gazes on Hanji and watched as her face went from amused to outright rage. "I did what?!" she shrieked.

"Apparently," Levi commented dryly. "You're better than both me and the commander combined." Erwin glared at that comment, but he chose to withhold his words, knowing full well that they would be used against him.

Moblit cleared his throat. "In fact, everyone knows about your...activities to raise money for the expeditions."

"Oh God," Erwin muttered with growing horror.

Levi turned his deadly glare on Connie. "You little brat," he hissed, his hands curling into fists.

Connie went visibly pale as the full meaning of what he had done set in. Chuckling nervously, he backed out of the room. "You know, my mom always said I needed to work on my vocabulary, so...I guess I should go." With that, he ran for all he was worth, knowing that he could not outrun an angry captain, commander, and scientist. But hey, a head start never hurt anyone.

Levi growled and stood up from his chair as he stalked towards the door where Connie had fled. Erwin watched him go warily. "What are you doing?" the commander asked.

"I am going to whack that kid upside the head with a dictionary," he growled. "Then, I'll kill him."

* * *

 **A/N: Let me explain. I was working with my family in the yard in the heat of the day when my youngest sister commented how we should 'prostitute' for working in the heat against our will. After a moment of stunned silence, we all realized that she actually meant 'protest.' Thus, this story was born.**


End file.
